Changing Leaves Read online

  “Yeah, I’m so sorry. Something’s happened and…” Her sentence started to trail off as she grabbed her keys and stood up.

  “Something’s happened?” I raised an eyebrow. “Is that really all you’re going to say before you run out the door? You need to give me more than that?”

  “It’s complicated,” she said coolly. “I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you tomorrow.”

  I shook my head. “Uh, no, this is not going down like this. I don’t care if you leave, I really don’t, but you can’t act all secretive with me. I thought in this new relationship we were doing all honesty all the time?”

  She sighed. “Gina…”

  “Jess, seriously, tell me what’s going on.”

  She looked down. “It’s my mom, okay?”

  “Your… Mom? What about her?”

  Since we’d been dating again, I’d asked multiple times if I could visit her parents. I used to know them really well obviously, and I very much wanted to see them again. But she always brushed me off, told me we’d visit soon. It wasn’t a good time.

  I felt like she was being a little off about it but I didn’t push her.

  “She’s sick, Gina. She has cancer, that’s why I moved back here.”

  My jaw dropped.

  “She has… cancer?”

  “Yes.”

  “But why didn’t you tell me?”

  I had tried over and over to get out of her the reason she was moving back. But she never gave me a straight answer. She played it off like she just missed this place.

  And now I found out that she was really back because her mom had cancer? Which she never mentioned in the last two months?

  I knew it was selfish, and I should have been more understanding, but this aggravated me. Since she came back into my life, I’d been completely open with her. I’d told her every little detail about my life. The good, the bad, the embarrassing, no matter what it was, I was honest.

  But here she was, basically lying to me again. Hiding things from me… Which, I get, it was hard to talk about. But if she really wanted to be in this thing with me, I needed to be the person she went to about the hard stuff too.

  Maybe we hadn’t been getting as close as I thought.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “I thought we were a team now. Why would you keep this secret? It’s obviously such a huge part of your life right now…”

  “I know, I’m sorry, but—”

  “You know I worry about your commitment to me all the time, right?” I interrupted her. “I’m terrified that you’re not nearly as committed to this relationship as I am.”

  “Gina, that’s just not true. I am completely committed to you.”

  “Then why wouldn’t you tell me this?”

  “I d-don’t know,” she stuttered, “I guess I just felt so good about everything between us, I didn’t want to bring up the bad. It’s depressing and—”

  “And it’s real life. Your life, and I would have wanted to know about it. I mean, I know we’re having fun and that's great but that’s not what I want with you.”

  “You don't want to have fun with me?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.

  “I don’t want to have ONLY fun with you. I want a life partner. I want someone who is going to go through all the motions of life with me. I want complete and total commitment.”

  She sighed. “And I really want to give it to you… but I can’t fight about this right now. I’m sorry. I have to go see my mom right now.”

  I nodded. “Right, okay. Just… I guess we’ll talk about this later. Please, please let me know how your mom is, okay?”

  She brought me in for a hug. “I promise, I will. And I promise, I’m committed to you.”

  “Well, I need you to know that right now, it doesn’t feel like it. If this is going to work, I need a bigger commitment from you. I need you to show me.”

  She nodded. “All right. I love you.”

  “I love you too,” I said softly as she went out the door.

  She left me feeling even worse than I felt before she got here. At least prior to her arriving, my fears of her lack of commitment were unfounded. Now, not so much.

  I don’t know, I wanted to believe her. I wanted to be with her. But she said my biggest worry herself… This was fun for her. She didn’t want to tell me about her real life issues because we were having fun.

  And that might have been all this was for her. Because while things were great between us right now, she was falling into the same pattern as she had before. She had emotional distance between us.

  I couldn’t guarantee that once everything started being more real in our relationship again that she wouldn’t bolt.

  I was seriously beginning to doubt whether this relationship would actually work. It was fucked up, but a part of me wanted to bail out now before I fell into an even deeper love for her. She hadn’t been thinking about this relationship in the same way I had, which was pretty scary to me.

  I wasn’t going to make any rash decisions though, especially not now. I would never leave her while she was dealing with her mom suffering from cancer.

  Oh, her poor mother. I wished so badly I’d known sooner. I could have helped her. I could have helped both of them! If this relationship was going to be as serious as I hoped it would, I’d be part of their family one day. I wanted to feel like it.

  Fuck, I really hoped she was okay. I should have gotten more answers from Jess while she was here. And if she had to run off suddenly because of something related to her cancer, that couldn’t be good.

  I was left here worrying not only about the future of our relationship, but the health of her mother. And I was completely useless to address either problem at the moment.

  I desperately wanted to call her and get more answers, but I knew I couldn’t do that. Whatever was going on, she needed to deal with it with her family right now. I couldn't bother her just because I was uncomfortable sitting at home alone right now.

  I wasn’t going to be okay until I heard back from her, though.

  8

  Jess

  As I left Gina’s house, I looked down at my phone and reread the text several times.

  “When will you be home? Your mother got her results today.”

  Despite the argument I’d just had with Gina, I couldn’t think about her right now. All I could focus on was the health of my mother.

  I did feel bad for not telling Gina the truth. I could see the hurt in her eyes; she felt generally betrayed. And I suppose I understand; she loved my parents and she was trying to get closer to me. If the shoe were on the other foot, I wouldn’t be too happy if she kept such a big secret from me either.

  But it really wasn’t what she thought. I didn’t do it because I wasn’t committed to her. I was, completely, and I understood that meant you supported each other through hard shit. Really, I got it, and I always planned to have that relationship with her.

  But for the past few months, Gina had been my escape. When I was with her, I was able to avoid thinking about all the bullshit in my life and become consumed with her. When it was just us, I was happy.

  Then I went home and I watched my sick mother worry about the condition of her cancer and my heart broke. I saw my father look at her, and knew his heart was also breaking. And the house was filled with this air of despair that I became desperate to escape once again.

  Telling Gina the truth was going to break that bubble. If she knew, I’d never be able to escape it. That was the real reason I never wanted her to come over. It wasn’t that I wasn’t serious about her and it wasn’t that I was embarrassed to tell my parents we were together. It was that I wanted my happy life and my sad life separate.

  Of course, in doing so, I may have altered my happy life. Obviously, Gina made me promise that if we were going to be in a relationship together, it would be serious and completely truthful. I broke that.

  At the moment, though, my guilt only ran so deep. There were more important thin
gs for me to worry about it, like my mother’s test results.

  I texted my father that I was coming home right away and then threw my cell phone into the passenger seat. I sped the entire way home, my mind preparing for the worst news… That her cancer hadn’t lessened. That it had spread. That she was now terminal.

  Fuck.

  I got home in record time. When I rushed through the door and into the living room, my mother and father were nowhere to be found. I immediately headed to my mother’s room.

  My father wasn’t there, but she was. Laying down in her bed.

  “Hey, sweetheart,” she said.

  “Hey, Mom…” I pulled up a chair next to her.

  “I thought you were going to be gone until later tonight?” she asked curiously.

  “Well, yeah, but then Dad texted me that you got your test results…” I said nervously.

  She rolled her eyes. ‘That man. He didn’t need to do that. You didn’t need to rush home.”

  “I wanted to,” I said seriously. “Why didn’t you tell me the results were coming back today? I never would have left.”

  “I honestly didn’t know. I just got the call from the doctor. I was expecting them sometime this week, but had no idea when.”

  I nodded. My heart was pounding in my chest and I felt like I was going to puke.

  “And? What did the doctor say?” I asked, almost tripping over my words with anxiety.

  She gave a soft smile. “I’m in remission.”

  “You’re in remission?!” I shouted as I jumped out of my chair. “Are you serious?”

  “Yes. The doctor said I’m not exactly out of the woods and obviously this will be something I have to continually monitor and—”

  “But you’re in remission?”

  I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. She was in remission, she was going to be okay.

  “I am.” She paused for a moment. “You could go back home now, you know. If you wanted to.”

  I looked at her for a moment. No, I couldn’t, there was no way I could go home. Not with my new relationship with Gina.

  She smiled. “I knew you wouldn’t want to,” she teased me. “You think I don’t know you’ve met someone? I’m your mother. But you’ve kept things very hush hush.”

  I saw this was her way to try to edge the information out of me. Leave it to my mom to find out her cancer was in remission and still push to get information about my romantic life.

  But she was right, I’d kept this under wraps for long enough. Now that I knew my mom was going to be doing so much better, it was time to come clean.

  Except me and my parents hadn’t talked about my dating life very much at all. Not with Gina, not with anyone. And now I had to tell my Mom that not only was I dating someone, but it was Gina.

  “You’re right,” I said quietly. “I am dating someone…” I trailed off.

  Mentioning Gina, even in this roundabout way, had me thinking about the last fight we had. Now that I was no longer worried about my mother’s health, I could focus more on that fight. And one thing that kept ringing in my ear was the last thing she said… About how she wanted me to show her commitment to her.

  I knew exactly how to do that.

  The words came out before I knew what hit me. “I’m going to propose, Mom.”

  Her jaw dropped. “You’re… You’re going to what?”

  “I’m going to propose.”

  Yes, I knew it was extreme. And it surely wasn’t what Gina meant when she said she wanted more commitment from me. But nonetheless, it was what I planned to do.

  Maybe she wouldn’t say yes, maybe it was too damn soon, but fuck it. I didn’t care. Even if she said no, it’d be clear to her that I truly did mean commitment when it came to her.

  And if she said yes? All the better, because I really did want to marry her. I was completely confident that we were going to get married, eventually. It was a matter of time, and for me, that time couldn’t come soon enough.

  “Honey, you’ve only been in town a few months! You can’t possibly know someone well enough after a few months to marry her.”

  “I’ve known her a lot longer for a few months,” I told her.

  I didn’t expect this clue to be enough to get her to realize who I was talking about, but comprehension still dawned on her face.

  “It’s Gina, isn’t it?” she asked, catching me by surprise.

  “How the hell did you know—”

  “And she’s the reason you left, isn’t she?”

  I sighed. “Kind of. I mean, she didn’t do anything to me. I was just… scared. Scared of how much I cared about her.”

  I expected her to ask more questions. About why I was scared, when had we started dating, why did I feel the need to propose so fast… But she asked nothing.

  “You do what you think is right,” was all she said.

  “Wait… What do you mean by that?” I asked. “Are you saying I should propose?”

  “If you think so.” She nodded.

  “But you were just telling me it’s way too soon.”

  “With someone new, sure. But with Gina? You’ve known each other a long time. Admittedly, I don’t think you have to rush into marriage with her after just a few months. I don't necessarily understand the rush…”

  “Honestly, I don't necessarily need to rush. But Gina has made it clear that she wants to see commitment from me… Particularly after I ran away the way I did. And I don’t think that commitment for her means a proposal, but she doubts how serious I am and I want her to know. I’m going to marry her anyway, Mom. I just know it. She’s the only one for me.”

  She smiled. “I know.”

  “You… you do?”

  “A mother knows her daughter. I saw you grow up with that girl. I think I knew how you felt about her before you did.”

  I laughed. “That’s probably true.” I was relieved to hear her take this as well as she was.

  She took my hand. “Jess, you’ve spent a lot of your life unhappy. Every time I’ve seen you since you left, you’ve been a different person. But these last few months, I finally saw the daughter I once knew. I’ve seen joy in you again. And I think that’s worth holding on to.”

  I instinctively wrapped my arms around her. “Mom, thank you.”

  She kissed the top of my head. “You’re welcome, dear.” She grinned. “Now, I think we have a proposal to plan?”

  9

  Gina

  After Jess got the news that her Mom was in remission, everything changed between us, for the better.

  My fears of lack of commitment had pretty much dissipated. It wasn’t just fun between us anymore. It was not just Jess showing up at my house at night and on the weekends.

  She finally invited me to her house. I got to see her parents again, which was amazing. I was mildly worried about how they’d react to us dating, but they were both so wonderful. Her mom seemed especially glad to see me again.

  And I was glad to be back. Not just because it reminded me of what we had when we were younger, but because I felt like we were forming a more serious future.

  We got to see each other more too. I came over to her house while she was helping her mom or spending time with her family. We even slept in her old room some nights. That part was a little odd. But also comforting in a weird way.

  Just like when we were in high school, most mornings she woke up before me. The first night I woke up in her bed alone was like the worst déjà vu I ever felt. I panicked for a moment until she came back in bed with pancakes. Since then, it stressed me out a lot less.

  On this particular morning, I was awoken by Lyla, her kitten. This was usually how I woke up when I was at her house.

  Lyla was such a sweetheart. She reminded me a lot of Callie except a lot more energetic. She’d lay in your lap sometimes, but she loved to play. She was batting the loose hair on my forehead when I woke up.

  I reached out to pet her. “Hey, sweet girl,” I whispered and s
miled.

  Waking up to Lyla was nice. I wasn’t much of a morning person but who can be upset with a kitten in your face? Plus, I had a real soft spot for Lyla.

  If it weren’t for her, I never would’ve ended up with Jess again. Finding her that day was the best thing that ever happened to me. I honest to God never thought I could be this happy…

  She leaped onto my chest and I rolled over in bed. I already knew Jess was gone; I couldn’t feel her on the bed. I assumed she’d be back in here with breakfast at any minute, though.

  I rolled over again and hear a small crunching sound. I immediately shot up in bed to find a folded up piece of paper on the pillow next to me.

  For a moment, my heart sank. It felt like I might be in a nightmare, reliving that previous awful memory. But I knew I was awake.

  I opened it slowly, cautiously, not knowing what to expect.

  Gina,

  In this bed many years ago, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I walked away from you. And for that, I’ll never be able to forgive myself. I’m so sorry for the years I cost us.

  But I want to correct that, here and now. I can't get back the years we lost but I can do everything in my power to make sure every year from this point forward is the best of our lives. I want to spend every day making you happy. You are the light of my life and I never want to live in darkness again.

  Will you marry me?

  Jess

  I gasped and clutched my hand to my face as Jess walked in. She was grinning from ear to ear, a small velvet red box in her hand.

  “Baby, what are you doing?” I gasped again.

  She knelt down on the floor in front of the bed.

  “Gina, I’m committed to you. Fully and completely, and I want to be committed to you every day for the rest of my life. Will you marry me?”

  And now I understood. “Baby, if you want to show you’re committed to me, you know you don’t have to do all this, right? I’m not even worried about that so much anymore—”

  “I know,” she interrupted me. “And if you can’t say yes right now, I understand. I’ll ask again whenever you want to. But I am going to marry you, Gina. This isn’t just a show I’m putting on to convince you that I’m committed. I really, truly want to marry you. And I’m going to do that, whenever you’re ready.”