Changing Leaves Read online

  I nodded. “Why wouldn’t you think it was my name on the collar?”

  “Uh, I don’t know, maybe because I expected that you’d never return to this town? I mean, you couldn’t get away from it fast enough.”

  I could feel myself blushing. First my mom made me answer for what I did yesterday, and now I had to answer to the girl who never got an explanation.

  “Look, Gina…”

  But she wasn’t done talking. “Maybe I didn’t mention on the phone because I was also afraid of what you’d do. You might not come if you knew it was me who had your cat. I mean, you ran out of town just to get away from me. Maybe you’d give up a cat to avoid me too.”

  I shook my head. “No, Gina, that’s not it. That’s not why I left.”

  But that was a lie.

  “Tell me the truth, Jess. After all these years, haven’t I earned that?”

  I sighed. “All right, yeah, I guess you were a big part of why I left when I did. I was going to leave anyway, though, you knew I was.”

  “But not like that. I knew you’d leave town, but I didn’t think you’d leave me in the dust. I thought we’d stay friends. I didn’t expect you to leave without a trace…”

  “I know, I’m so sorry—”

  “How could you do that to me, Jess? You knew how I felt about you! I had just confessed my deepest feelings to you. I get that you can’t force yourself to feel the same way, I really do. And if you had been brave enough to just reject me, I would have fucking accepted it! You should have known that. But instead you acted like a coward and ran away instead of letting me know you didn’t give a shit about me.”

  “Hey, it wasn’t like that,” I defended myself. “I did give a shit about you.”

  “No,” she said seriously. “You couldn’t have. Or you wouldn’t have broken my heart that way.”

  I could completely understand why she felt this way, why she saw the situation this way, but she was completely wrong! It wasn’t just her heart that I broke. I broke my own, too.

  “You can tell me I’m an asshole,” I told her. “You can call me any name in the book. And you’d be right. I was a dumb kid who didn’t think about anyone but herself. But you cannot tell me how I feel. And I fucking cared about you.”

  She shrugged. “I have a hard time buying it.”

  “You never left my mind, Gina. Not that day I left and not every day since then. You are not a person I wanted to run away from and forget. Okay… wait, no, I guess in a way you were, but… But like, not because I didn’t care about you.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Okay, you’re making absolutely no sense. And I have a feeling that’s just because you’re trying to cover your tracks without hurting my feelings. You know what, though? You really don’t need to do that. We’re adults now, it’s been a long time, and you’re free to leave whenever you want to. You don’t need to force an explanation. You can just leave.”

  I could feel myself getting irritated even though I had no right to be. She was the one who had a right to be angry with me.

  “That’s not what I want at all! If I did, I would have asked you to bring Lyla out to me! I don’t want to go. I want to talk about this.”

  “Then why didn’t you try to talk to me all these years? You may have changed your number, Jess, but I didn’t. You could have called. You could have emailed or reached out on social media. Hell, you’re living back in town and you never even bothered to try to get a hold of me. How can you say you care about me at all?”

  “I was humiliated!” I argued. “Absolutely, positively humiliated by how shitty of a person I’ve been. Haven’t you ever felt that way? Haven’t you ever been too embarrassed yourself to do the right thing? I’m not even defending myself, I’m just trying to explain how I could care about you without acting on it. But what I didn’t isn’t defendable, trust me, I know that.”

  She stared at me, her expression lightening. It was subtle, and she still looked skeptical, but I was relieved to see at least a slight change in her. She must have been starting to believe me on some level.

  “What you did was truly cruel though, Jess. Why didn’t you just tell me you didn’t want to be with me?”

  I sighed. “Because that would have been a lie.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “What the hell are you talking about? You left the state to get away from me. Obviously that’s what you wanted. Nobody goes through moving out of state because they want to be with someone.”

  “I did, though,” I told her. “I wanted to be with you. But in a way, I also didn’t want to. It’s weird and… I don’t know how to explain it. I was a confused kid. I loved you so deeply and I had for so many years but I was in completely denial about it.”

  “Why? Because you didn’t want to be gay?” she asked.

  “No… No, not exactly. I mean, that did concern me a bit. Doesn’t it concern everyone at first? Society isn’t exactly great to women like us and I was concerned about being judged, I’ll admit that. But I wasn’t homophobic and I never would’ve ran away just out of fear of what people would think.”

  “Then what is it?” she asked.

  “It’s… It was you. The fact that you were my absolute best friend. You knew me better than anyone. I told you everything, and you knew who I was at my core. I’d bared my soul to you. And that was hard enough for me to do when we were just friends but when you wanted more… I was scared.”

  “Scared of what?”

  “Scared of being so close to you. I didn’t know it at the time, but when I look back on it, I think I was scared to get so close to you and risk you being pulled away from me. The emotional intensity of our relationship was too much for me. I was so young, so stupid, and I was afraid of needing you.”

  She looked down at her feet. “I don’t know if I can believe that. I don’t know, it seems like the kind of convenient excuse that would save my feelings. And saying something to save my feelings seems like something you might do to avoid awkwardness or confrontation.”

  “Okay, I can see why you’d think that. Obviously there isn’t a lot I won’t do to avoid confrontation. I left instead of trying to talk about things with you… But I swear that I’m not lying. I never stopped caring for you.”

  “If you cared so deeply, why didn’t you come to see me? Okay, I get you being embarrassed when we were younger, but as an adult you couldn’t let me know that you were in town? Not just in town but living here? How long have you been here, Jess?”

  I took in a deep breath. “That’s complicated. But not long at all. And I was preoccupied with… family stuff. But I did think about you. Admittedly, what I was thinking was mostly that I didn’t want to run into you… but at the same time, I also really did.”

  She shook her head. “You’re being ridiculously confusing.”

  “Because my feelings are confusing. But I’m trying to be as honest with you as possible, I swear.”

  I was starting to panic the more she didn’t believe me. Theoretically, I shouldn’t have been. If she continued to hate me, what would happen? Nothing, I’d go back to my life the way it used to be. Without her in it.

  That was the issue, though. Now that I was here with her, looking directly at her, I knew I didn’t want her to be out of my life.

  I always knew this was the way it’d be if I saw her again. That was why I refused to come back here, truthfully. Not even the guilt of my parents could make me come back, knowing that I’d see her and have to face my feelings all over again.

  I was so torn on leaving the first time. On one hand, I felt the intense drive to run away from the intimacy that I feared, but on the other… I missed her every damn day. It took all I had not to come running back despite my fears.

  Though that was probably what I should have done.

  Every feeling I once had came flooding back to me. After all this time, you’d have thought the feelings would’ve dulled at least a little bit…

  “Do you know how long it took me to figure out you
were gone for good?” Gina asked seriously.

  “Huh…?” I asked. “What do you mean? You didn’t get my note?”

  “Oh, I did. I got your very vague note. I thought you meant that you needed some time to think on things. I didn't think it meant that you were going to be gone for fucking good. I waited a week to even call you, trying to give you space. So silly of me, trying to think of your feelings. Why would anyone ever do that?”

  “Gina…” I whispered.

  “There’s no excuse. You know there’s no excuse. And you hurt me so much.” Her eyes shifted. “You can just go.”

  “What?” I said, not even trying to hide my panic.

  “That’s what you want, right? I know right about now you’re wishing you never came over here. I know you want an out, a way to leave and never see me again. Well, I’m giving you one. You can go ahead and go.”

  That wasn’t what I wanted at all, though. I wanted to be with her. Like, really be with her this time.

  I couldn’t imagine walking away from her and never coming back. Fuck, but that was going to be what I had to do, right?

  I fucked this up. I fucked this all up long, long ago. And I didn’t see how I was going to get her back after I hurt her so badly…

  What an idiot I’d been.

  “I don’t want to go. I want to talk to you about this…”

  “We don’t need to play games,” she insisted. “I’m giving you an out, and you need to take it. Before you make this harder on me.”

  “I’m not lying, Gina, I don’t want an out. I want to stay here. I mean, if you want me to go, of course I’ll go. I don’t have a choice but to go, right? It’s your house, but… But if you’ll have me here, I want to discuss this.”

  “And what exactly is there to discuss?”

  “I… I don’t know. Maybe there is a way we can repair our relationship…”

  “Don’t you think it’s a little late for that? Don’t you think whatever relationship we had, you killed it? I mean, not even just killed it, Jess. But destroyed it. You broke my heart when you left.”

  I nodded. “I get that. And I don't deserve to have any kind of relationship with you, I know that. You’ve moved on. And maybe I would’ve moved on too, but…”

  “But what?” she asked, trying to hide the fact that she was interested in this. But I could tell she was. And I was relieved that she, at the very least, wasn't ready to kick me out the door and never ever look back.

  “But how could I move on? I’ve spent my entire life since high school just… trying to avoid thinking about you. Trying to avoid calling you. Trying to avoid my feelings. It’s not like I ever addressed them and got closure. I just ran away from you. And now that I’m back, it seems obvious that it’d all hit me at once like this.”

  She bit her bottom lip. “Are you being serious, then?”

  “Serious about what?” I asked.

  “Serious about how you feel about me. This isn’t just, like, a thing you're saying? You really have feelings for me?”

  “Yes!” I said quickly. “How could you question that? Don’t you remember that night we spent together?”

  I did, like it was yesterday.

  “I remember…” she said hesitantly. “But I also remember the years after where I never even heard from you. And I suppose I’ve just convinced myself that you faked that night. For what reason… I don’t know. To make me feel better? Though that doesn’t make sense considering how you crushed me when you walked away…”

  “Gina, I’m so fucking sorry. I’ve been a shitty fucking person and I know that. I was a confused kid and… Well, I guess I’ve been a confused adult too.”

  She looked at me suspiciously. “What do you want, Jess?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, you’re here, you claim you don’t want to leave. But what do you really want? What are you expecting to happen?”

  “What do I want or what am I expecting to happen?” I asked back. “Because they’re both very different answers.”

  “Both, I guess.”

  “Well, I expect that very soon you're going to force me to leave. I expect that the longer you look into the face of the woman who hurt you so deeply, you’re going to feel more and more sick to your stomach. I expect that you’ll never want to see me again.”

  She nodded and didn’t even bother to refute my claim. "So what is it you want?”

  “I don’t even really have a clear answer for that. I just know that I don't want to leave you. That I feel complete again, sitting here with you. I never realize just how empty my life had become since I left. But here… here I feel like I used to feel. It’s like I’m home again, with you. And I desperately don't want that to go away. But what does that mean exactly? I don’t know. Because I doubt you can even be friends with me again. I think I’m probably just wasting my time and torturing myself by continuing to be here.”

  “Well, you’re right," she said quietly. “I couldn’t be your friend again. But I didn't really want to be your friend in the first place. You have always meant… so much more than that.”

  “And so have you!” I said eagerly. “Really! I know I didn’t do my best to show it at all, but it's the truth. I didn’t know how deeply I cared for you. I mean, I did, but I didn’t realize how romantic it all was. Until the day we kissed. And then I couldn’t deny it anymore.”

  “And when you couldn't deny it, you left,” she said coldly. “And that’s kind of the problem with you, isn’t it?”

  “What… what do you mean?”

  “I mean, you claim you only left because you were terrified of the deep intimacy between us, right?”

  “Right, that’s absolutely what the problem was,” I agreed.

  “Okay, so the more you feel, or the more I feel, the more you're going to pull away, right? It's in your nature. Even if I make the stupid decision of trusting you again, that part of you will always be there.”

  “And what part of me is that, exactly?” I asked defensively, though I knew what she was getting at.

  “The part of you that fears intimacy. The part of you that will push back as soon as you get close to me again.”

  “No.” I shook my head sharply. “It won’t be like that again. I’m an adult now.”

  “Yeah, and adult you still never sought me out,” she said coldly.

  Ouch. Well, she wasn’t wrong.

  “But adult me is also sitting in front of you. I have the option to walk out the door, as you’ve pointed out at several points. But I’m not. I’m sitting here in front of you. Asking for a second chance.”

  “What’s really changed, though? You expect me to put my heart on the line again to date you?”

  “No, absolutely not. I would never expect that. I don’t think you’re going to date me. But maybe just a second chance at… friendship?”

  “I told you, I never wanted to be your friend.”

  I could feel my heartbeat quicken. I was going to lose her. All over again, she was going to be lost to my life.

  I remembered the pain I felt when I initially left. It was fucking unbearable. I thought of her all the time. I dreamt of her. I woke up wishing my arm was around her torso the way it had been that first night together.

  I ached for her.

  And I could feel myself aching for her all over again.

  I knew how much I deserved it. All the pain she went through, I deserved it. But that didn't mean I was going to subject myself to torture willingly. If there was any chance I could keep her in my life, I was going to try to do that at all costs.

  Yes, I completely acknowledged that there was no chance I was going to be able to maintain a relationship with her. That was too much to ask for. But just a friendship, I could ask for that much, right?

  Okay, no, I couldn’t ask for a god damn thing. But I could hope for a friendship…

  “Nothing I say is ever going to make up for what I did,” I told her. “But, Gina, the idea of walking out of h
ere and never seeing you again is breaking my heart. I’ve searched for love in a lot of places since I moved away but I’ve never found it. At least, not the kind of love I had with you.”

  She furrowed her brow. “Yeah? Does that break your heart? The way it broke mine when you left without so much as telling me?”

  I hung my head in shame. “Yeah… Yeah, I deserve that.”

  “Look,” she began, “I thought I could see you and not get mad but that's just not happening. I think you should go.”

  “Gina, please…”

  “Seriously, Jess. It’s time to go. I need some time to myself.”

  I couldn’t argue with her, as much as I wanted to. I couldn’t plead with her. How selfish would that be? When I never gave her a chance to plead to me.

  “Can I… Can I come back?” I asked nervously. “Or maybe call you?”

  “Yeah, I really don’t know about that,” she said coolly.

  “Right. Okay. Well, please let me know.”

  She nodded, but didn’t even make eye contact with me.

  I’d never felt lower.

  I’d beat myself up a lot about what I did. I spent many years feeling guilty. But I also spent a lot of time rationalizing to myself, I guess. As a defense mechanism. I told myself that while what I did was awful, it didn’t have that much of an impact on anyone's life.

  I couldn’t tell myself that as I sat across from Gina and saw the pain in her eyes.

  I didn’t want to cause anymore. I stood up, grabbed Lyla in her carrier, and walked to her front door. She didn’t look at me the entire time.

  “Bye, Gina. I really hope to hear from you.”

  As soon as I shut the door behind me, intense anxiety took over.

  Was this it? Was this going to be the last time I saw her? Did I fuck this up forever? God damn it, god damn it, I needed her in my life.

  It was fucked up, but when the loneliness was too much to bear I soothed myself with fantasies of Gina. In my head, despite what I did, we still always had a chance together. It made me feel better about how desperately I missed her.

  But nothing could have been farther from the truth. There was no chance for us after what I did. She couldn't even stand to have me in her house anymore. She was never going to fucking trust me again.